One of those [i]disturbing[/i] theories put forward on schizophrenia is that it is caused by a virus, hence communicable, and while rotating in the psychiatry department, us interns would jokingly remind this to each other when the instance call for it, i.e. someone tells or does something inadvertently 'maniacal' -- which is very often.
I think I'll start writing my own anamnesis now to make my interviewer's work lighter when the time comes that my symptoms become full blown. :D
Going back to the hospital made me think twice if I really wanted to become a doctor.
I thought that with my long hiatus, I’ll be in high gear going back… but it wasn’t. I haven’t slept well, and my eyes are all droopy. Perhaps, I’ll tell you more tomorrow…
It hurts being called a sore loser – because it is true. While playing Literati, someone called me a sore loser because I quit the game when she was winning.
I've always been a sore loser, much more when I was a child, with incessant tantrums when I don’t get my way. I thought I have changed when I entered high school -- having the maids who have to follow my every whim now out of reach.
I hate losing. I hate being incompetent. I hate being stupid. I guess who doesn’t? But what disturbs me more is hubris, because when I lose, when I know I’m in the wrong, when I’m in trouble, I try to rationalize and not ask for help.
When I entered medicine, I’ve always prayed that I be humbled and learn humility --to be unlike the doctors around me. I thought I learned that when I failed surgery, something to burst my egoistic bubble, but I guess I haven’t learned everything yet.
Arrogance is a doctor’s sin, probably brought by the nobility of the profession or more so because of the megalomaniacal attitude inherent or even incurred while in the practice of medicine having the godlike capability to cure humanity and its sufferings. Arrogance is not at all hard to find in this profession.
In Greek tragedy, hubris is the overbearing pride and insolence shown towards the gods which leads to downfall and ruin.
It’s hubris that I procrastinate, because I don’t want to lose, because I don’t want to be told I was wrong, because I don’t want to be told I made the stupid choice, because I don’t want to believe that everything is predestined, that I have to lose – to submit.
It's my sister's birthday today, and I think she's a bit frustrated, although she tries to hide it, because the people expected to join her celebrate this day won't be coming over because it's Valentine's Day weekend.
Honestly, I've outgrown having my birthday --but not having a birthday party. I like to spend my birthdays as normal as possible, or as uneventful as possible. I'd rather have the celebration some other day, it's better for me that way.
While growing up and having twin sisters, my mother would celebrate their birthday twice, hence I've always thought that one of my sister was born on February 13 and the other on the 14th.
I got confused alot about celebrating birthdays when I was a kid. My father's birthday follows my mother's birthday hence I grew up thinking that all couples follow each other's birthday. I know that it doesn't make sense now, but it made a lot of sense when I was a kid.
I went out finally this week, after much procrastinating, not because I wasn’t feeling lazy, but rather if I didn’t, I will be damned when I go back to the hospital next week.
It is really ridiculous. All I talk about on this journal is how I procrastinate a lot. I’ve been thinking to change the title of this weblog to “frogbites’ thoughts on procrastination” out of frustration, but I think I’ll procrastinate on that.
Really, procrastination is my pet sin right now. And as the story goes, a devil got commended from Satan when he taught people to put off doing good deeds and turning from wicked ways… after all, there’s always will be a tomorrow for atonement and doing good, he reasoned out… until tomorrow never came…
Another reason why I procrastinate is I [i]feel [/i] that it is not the opportune time to do such and such activity. It’s stupendously idiotic actually, as if there is a fated time and place for everything. Probably I got this idea from this book about mind empowerment: the Jose Silva Method. The book is about going to your alpha level, the level where the brain is between waking and sleep, and to envision things you want and want to happen, and surprise, surprise, they will come true. Same as praying, however, they term it as dynamic praying.
Anyhow, to curb disappointment, the book said that, probably the reason why the things you envision haven’t happened yet is because time is not yet ripe for them. He gave an example: an author had this idea of a book but couldn’t make himself write it down, however the author pursued and was left with dire consequences in the end --as if to say the universe will get you if you persist. And to think, we celebrate those who went against the wrath of gods and the machination of the Fates. But as a second thought, I can’t remember a character that went against destiny and failed, or rather rebelled against his destiny and conquered. The heroes that did – Oedipus, for example, lived a tragedy. Ah, I hate talks on predestination – it is another reason why I procrastinate, but I’ll probably tell you more about that some other time.
If things are predetermined, then I’m not really procrastinating but waiting for the opportune time.
In I-ching, I usually get the character “standing still” --two mountains on top of each other --I wonder if this is what the Silva Method meant.
Anyway, I still use the Silva Method, not to change my life or do something grand, but to set myself to wake up on a designated time –the exercise I seem to have mastered. In fact, I went to sleep around 8:30 and set myself to wake up tonight just to write this entry.
When I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to become an astronaut, a scientist, or a priest. The first one was almost improbable, the third was more of a whimsical aberration, but the second… the second was plausible to say the least.
However, in this country and time, becoming a scientist by profession is not practical. Hence it was a predetermined resignation that I took up medicine by my own accord. I knew then, even as a kid, that my three choices were mere childhood fancies -- everyone have those. Having my course laid before me, I reconciled to walk on it. Therefore there were no second thoughts to take up medical technology for college, and then go to medicine afterwards.
Having rationalized my choice, I knew then that I am going to become a doctor, because it is the only logical path to take. I think I was too young to decide my future. To wit, it all boils down to who is in control now. Is it still the kid who long time ago decided to become a doctor?
Some of my friends, when they see me frustrated studying medicine, think that I should shift to a writing course, journalism or literature and what not, because they think that I was good and seem happy writing stuff. But writing shall forever be just a hobby, and people don’t know that I am [i]not[/i] frustrated in studying medicine, but frustrated that I never had any choice – or even an iota of doubt. It has been stripped off me when I was young.
Am I rebelling now? To what? What choice do I have? Having just one road ahead of you, are you not obliged to take it? Or should you just stand still instead, like what I am doing now -- procrastinating? And even now, I still can’t think of anything else I’d rather be than become a doctor.
When I was in college, while on my way to wait for my commute, a lady had a seizure. And for a long time, I just stood there, didn’t know what to do. I was too preoccupied by my exam that day as it is, I don’t want to be [i]bothered[/i]. However, my first thought was, “my sister (the doctor) was at home, she’ll know what to do, probably I should go back home and get her.”
I consider myself a hesitant helper. I always think first before giving aid. I’ve never been one of those people who would help out of reflex. And if only people know how hard I pray, that before I die, I make a spontaneous good deed, even just one, without noticing it, my life would not have been for naught. It’s hard becoming a doctor if you don’t have the passion to help. I may have compassion for the sick, but it is difficult to feign passion.
After the initial shock passed, I soon went to her. An old woman was already helping her. Blood was oozing from his temple, from the impact when she hit the pavement as she lost consciousness. The old woman told me to position her head, as she bent the knees. Soon, other people came to help, and then my ride came. And I left the scene.
I’m supposed to throw away some papers today, clean up some space in my room, but instead I just stood still and watched tv. I don’t even call it procrastinating anymore, because I just stood there and let time pass me by. At least when you’re procrastinating, you’re putting off something to some other time. Me? I just didn’t care anymore.
Our little social experiment is a disaster. One, because I haven't killed him yet, and two the person that is supposed to be me is now despised by all (rather extreme, I think).
Earlier, when I created the boy, I also created someone of my age, but with rather extroverted personality --perky even, and everyone seems to like him better than the boy. But the boy, who has my introverted personality and my intelligence (an 18 year old knowing medicine!), took sometime to be accepted. And now, that he's suppose to be going back to school, people seeems to be suspecting him as a phony.
Since I'm going to kill the boy, I introduced "myself" few months back -- but as a second look, the supposed me isn't at all me. He came out too strong. He is very loquacious and moronic. Probably because I want to differentiate myself from the boy -- the boy who has my real personality. This is getting more confusing everytime.
If I kill the boy, I kill myself. But the boy isn't me. However the me that I created isn't actually me. Arrgh! The only solution I can think of is kill them both and start all over again.
As serendipity would have it, when I opened voice chat last night, someone was playing the song that most Filipinos would be familiar to as the FPJ (Ang Panday) theme song. And thanks to the people in trivia, I now know the title. It's not actually that hard to miss. I've been searching the web for it, but I was looking at the wrong places, for the theme wasn't from an opera but was from a recent film, 1492: Conquest of Paradise. The theme was made by Vangelis.
I don’t think I have the strength to tell you how my day went. For the first time in months, I’m anxious again. I fear that everything is not well after all.
Last week, the latest SWS survey showed GMA trailing second from FPJ. Then later, a senator told the media that if GMA wants to win, she has to get the votes from Roco: in other words, she should rationalize with his supporters to vote for her instead if they don’t want an FPJ presidency.
During the Amihan Christmas Party, we got to talk about politics. And I was surprised that the group would vote for GMA just to avoid FPJ becoming president. I can’t help but smile. There is hope in the Filipino yet. Voters are beginning to pen their thoughts rather than their emotions on the ballot.
This is why I voted straight for the administration during the senate race in the last election because majority of the senate then were in Erap supporters. An at least 10 seat win would make the senate even. But then, came the turncoats, but that’s a different matter.
Unfortunately, the number of the thinking Filipino voter is few. And what then if GMA wins? It would be like serving her Malacañang in a silver platter all over again as we did in EDSA 2. A presidency not deserved.
For the last many days, I can’t get myself to sleep early. And it would take me 4 hours lying in bed before I can get some shut eye. Unlike then, that even though my circadian rhythm is off-center, it wouldn’t take me hours before I get some sleep.
I usually get these episodes of insomnia secondary to anxiety, probably because I have a test tomorrow or have a big day ahead of me, or what not. But last night, I wasn’t anxious. It is true that I was entertaining thoughts about working on a website (a long over-due project), but still, it wasn’t accompanied by the usual anxiety symptoms, like palpitation, that I feel. Hence I started calling these episodes sabotage.
One of my favorite movies is the 6th Star Trek film, The Undiscovered Country. I like how it was written, especially how the Klingons used Shakespeare and those funny one-liners from the cast, like, “guess who’s coming for dinner.”
An [i]unforgettable[/i] scene in the movie was when Kim Cattrall explained the etymology of sabotage, which came from the word sabot, the clogs worn by workers. In fear that they may loose their jobs to automation, the workers would put their shoes between the gears of machines to disrupt production.
I use it here because I think I’m trying to disrupt myself from being productive. Probably subconsciously, I don’t want to finish these projects I have in line, after all I’m the Lord of the Procrastinators.
Why do I keep on procrastinating?
Kaplan says it’s a sign of passive-aggressiveness, people who want themselves to fail because they can’t face reality.
Reality of what?
This reminds me of an episode of Murphy Brown, where Corky Sherwood met prodigies for an interview. Being a protégé herself, a young beauty contest winner and a decorated anchorperson, she got to thinking… What is next for her, once you’ve done everything?
Do I procrastinate because I don’t want it to end? Am I afraid of what’s next? The bleak prospect of an uncertain future—the undiscovered country?
